Tucker Carlson is checking the strength of his belts. He’s putting them over the reinforced bar in the closet in his office and pulling with both hands, sometimes even seeing if he can lift himself off the ground. He knows from experience that it’s not the belt’s ability to hold his weight briefly but for two or three minutes. That’s key to the whole thing. He thought he only bought the best, toughest leather, but last time, the belt snapped, and he ended up hitting the ground, pantsless, almost jamming a wingtip into his asshole in the process, which is not an unpleasant thing, just one you want some anticipation for. Luckily, he hadn’t passed out, so when his assistant knocked on his door to ask if he was okay, he could gasp out, “Fine. Fine. Just doing some pull-ups.” That’s why he told the Fox News execs he needed the bar: because he’s so into fitness that he might want to do pull-ups before he hits the set. Although, truth be told, they knew exactly what it was for because Sean Hannity has it. O’Reilly had one. It’s almost as if it’s a requirement in order to be a male host on Fox.
Home COLUMNS FROM OUR GUESTS The Rude Pundit: Tucker Carlson Has an Orgasm… A Fantasia