After a presidential election that feels like it started in 1912, Mama finally took a moment to breathe and reflect on some of the lessons learned from this endless campaign. A few things are now clear:
- Mitt Romney was never a real person. He was a hologram with bad programming. They should have used the same people who brought Elvis to life on American Idol. At least then Mittens would have been forced to unbutton his white starched shirt and show off his (dyed) chest hair to the strains of Kid Rock’s “Born Free.”
- Paul Ryan wins the Sarah Palin Award for this year’s most disappointing running mate. The “leaks” from inside the Romney campaign began even before the election this time. “Chris Christie was Romney’s first choice. He would have been much more effective than Ryan with working class voters.” Actually, they were right. Christie was more effective with working-class voters. He turned them around for Obama. And when the “Game Change” movie of this campaign is made, I’m begging Butch “Eddie Munster” Patrick to come out of retirement. Trust me, Butch, take this part. You’ll be the next Tina Fey!
- Speaking of Christie, he’s this year’s Charlie Crist. Republicans will never forgive you, Chris. They’re calling you “Judas Crist” and that’s the kindest comment Mama could post (after all, this is a family blog). But here’s the good news, Governor. Bruce Springsteen is talking to you now. Isn’t that a fair trade-off for never getting another invitation to a dressage horse ballet?
- Karl Rove really is Lex Luthor. He’s the evil genius who, starting in 2010, realized that by pouring millions of post–Citizens United corporate dollars into ballot races in every state, he could flip governorships, secretaries of state and state legislatures to control redistricting, voter registration and GOTV, skewing it all for Republicans. And as a cherry on the sundae, he created a scheme to destroy labor unions by eliminating collective bargaining. Here’s the bad news for you, Lex. Barack Obama was never Clark Kent. And now you have a whole lot of ‘splaining to do to the Koch Brothers, Sheldon Adelson, Bob Perry, Harold Simmons and a whole bunch of very angry billionaires.
Please, will somebody send Mama a tape of those calls for Christmas?
(Photo: Getty Images)